Thursday, April 17, 2008

The Fart Story Contest

So Ali has proposed a flatulence story contest.

Besides currently having a pregnant wife, I've probably got a story or two about passing gas.

To come up with the funniest is a tough task.

I could talk about seeing my very first blue dart in the MTC, and then watching some spanish kids try it after seeing "Dumb and Dumber." Flatulence stories are difficult to share on paper...or electronic paper. It takes a special moment to discuss these things.

I used to laugh so hard at myself when I'd rip a big one when I worked with this guy named Rodney.....he'd always take such offense to it. He made such a stink about it....pardon the pun, that that's what made it so entertaining. What was funny was he smoked like a chimney and I know my flatulence wasn't nearly as deadly as his second hand smoke.

But, my funniest fart story ever, at least in my humble opinion was way back in high school. Pizza day always gave me an arsenal of chemical warfare. I had to be very cautious with this gift because I was a young and pretty scrawny little freshman, and I didn't want to get a reputation of being a pig pen.

I remember very well a certain day riding the bus home after pizza day. I slipped out a silent but very, very, VERY, deadly fart. It was the most wretched of smelling farts. The one's that you can't even stand yourself. So, as this odor escaped my seat and wafted to the rear of the bus other students' noses began to curdle.

Of course everyone wanted to know who the culprit was. And so there I sat, as low as I could in my seat, and as quietly as I could. I wasn't about to lay claim to my weapon of mass destruction. The smell polluted the rear of the bus, and then it worked it's way back to the front of the bus, and even ole Mr. Crickenburger the bus driver didn't appreciate my handy work.

Everyone on the bus was making a huge deal about this fart and the jury was out to hang the person that subjected them to a very uncomfortable ride home from school.

Fortunately for me, there was a guy, Eric L., that it just so happened rode the bus home that day. This was probably the only day all year that he rode the bus home. He would either drive himself or get a ride home with someone. It was not a cool thing to ride the bus home in high school. So, he was a senior, and he was one of those guys that was always into trouble. He was loud and somewhat obnoxious as soon as he got on the bus, and the bus driver, Mr. Crickenburger made him sit up front because the reputation this young man had.

Well, you guessed it everyone blamed Eric. And I was more than happy to let them blame him, because I surely was not going to fess up to it.

He picked the wrong day to ride the bus that year. Pizza Day!


Alice Wills Gold said...

Pizza day was one of my favorites in the school cafeteria...sometimes I will even go and have lunch with the kids just to get some school pizza...I think you have officialy ruined this little indulgence for me...but good story. Thanks for playing.

Mother 25 - 8 said...

Some how, with the way you described your flatulence, I could smell it.

Rach said...

haha, very funny... Egg salad does that to me sometimes.. hmmm, maybe I am not the perfect person to have a picnic with???

missyjeanne said...

Jarrett, I don't know why you act like "pizza day" gave you gas; as a few of your mission companions said "you have more gas than any human should" rather its pizza day or not.